Tonight is the eve of my baby's first birthday. I have MANY feelings about this, not the least of which is pure astonishment. When her big sister turned one a few years back, I cried a lot, and I wrote about it. I dug up those words today to help me process this new milestone. I want to edit them; they seem now as if they're written by a clueless young girl. But I won't. I'll share them with you as I wrote them, straight from the heart, as a first-time mama to a one-year-old. And I'll say more about the babe's BIRTHday as I process.
"Well, I now have a one-year-old.
I've cried a lot of tears about this. I keep wondering why I'm crying so much, especially because it almost seems like SAD kind of crying. I think it's mostly INTENSE kind of crying - so many emotions, and memories, all wrapped up together.
I remember when a very wise friend of mine, who's almost my parents' age, texted me the morning after P as born. She said, "Don't you feel like the only woman who's ever given birth?" That was precisely how I felt. The first time I walked down the street without her a few days afterward, I remember thinking, "Do any of these people have ANY idea what has just happened? and to ME?" As if it should be written on my forehead that I just had a baby, that I was now a MOM. An absolutely extraordinary, momentous event had just occurred, not just in my life, but in the WORLD. Nothing looked the same anymore - it was as if I was finally seeing in Technicolor after years of black-and-white, or maybe just less vibrant color.
Here's the thing about being a mom - and being my kids' mom. I thought I was lucky before; I thought I knew how to LOVE before. But nothing compares to how I feel about this little girl. She has really, truly rocked my world. I would do absolutely anything for her. I think she is the greatest thing that has happened, ever!
So maybe that's why I'm crying I can't believe a whole year has passed since my world was changed so completely. And I can't believe how lucky I am to have experienced this year, and to have so many more ahead of us, learning and living and loving together.
My girl is my world. I just . . . LOVE her, you know? I love her now, I love who she has been throughout the entire last year, and I love that I get to continue to be her mom, as she becomes exactly who she is meant to be. So maybe I cry because I know in my heart that I'm so. damn. lucky."
Happy ONE to my baby. I'll be back with more about that, after I've honored this Big Thing, with her and our family.